everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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