Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Sorry about my life...
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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