So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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