If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
