He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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