The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
