Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
