He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
