right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
