Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
