I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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