so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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