The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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