So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
