I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Randomize
