Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Randomize
