I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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