Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
