My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
