i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
