why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
