Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
