I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
