Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
