I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
