someone owes me an orgasm
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
