So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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