Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
