just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
