whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
