You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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