We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
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I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
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Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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