My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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