I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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