my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
