Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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