I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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