Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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