Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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