So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
