I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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