When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
