What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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