Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
