We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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