chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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