got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
