did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
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Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
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the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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