wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
