Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
