I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
