were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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