Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
