why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
