We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
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It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
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I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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