A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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