he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
