id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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