Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
