I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
