dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
