my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
