Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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