all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
