Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
